it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
