So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
