There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize