he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
