How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
