It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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