party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
