The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
