You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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