you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
