Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
