Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
