Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
