Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
