Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
