just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
