If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
that is very illegal...i love you.
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