You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
