your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
