Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
