Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
