Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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