i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
