I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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