whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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