I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
