Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
