upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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