Plan B is the new Plan A
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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