bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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