i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
