I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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