my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
