sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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