I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
