I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
