If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
