Me. At least after what I've been through.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
