I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
