Betty ford says i'm here all night
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
