An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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