dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
