bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
