Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
