Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
porn star boner night. come get it.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
How naked do you want me to be?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
