Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
