How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
