I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
