At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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