i just had sex bonerless
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
