FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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