sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
