Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
