You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
