I can text with my tongue
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
where does the pee come out of this thing
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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