Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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