people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
