just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
