his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
